well that was not easy. three days of a constant headache and coming and going nausea, but feeling a lot better this am. the headache is the worst.
yesterday yvonne took me to renew my drivers license and get a passport photo (claire and olivia did not approve of the first one). I doubt they will think the second any better but I tried. And we went to see a wig maker (father and son team) who makes wigs from your own hair. that must be a strange way to spend your time.
the wig is pretty pricey but will be my birthday present, and it will be ready on my birthday. getting my hair cut off on the 21st! I think that will be much better than letting it fall out. fyi - baseball hats are fine but I don't do logos, etc. no sports teams - not even the seahawks! the wig does seem a little permanent and scary. i hope I don't need it again.
everyone has been doing their best to spoil claire and olivia. they spent the night at friends and have a new paddle board to try out. to balance that out they are helping Chris clean the house. in a weird way it is working out. not that I am much into housework, but it does make me happy that the house is not a hell hole when I do venture downstairs. I hope I am feeling better this week so we can hang out, I miss them.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
a belated day one on day 34
I'm not quite sure what this for - a letter to the girls, just for me, or something I can share when I am too lazy to respond to email. But this month has been crazy and now I am wondering, what day was day 1? It could have been biopsy day, but at that point I still was thinking it could just be something minor, or easy to deal with. And even if the doctor was thinking cancer, I was still hanging on to delusion.
I guess day 1 of having cancer was the day I received the results of the biopsy, July 10th. In the parking lot at Juanita High School. At that point even I knew it was not good. In the next 2 days we canceled our family vacation with friends (a first world problem), met with 3 doctors, and scheduled surgery for the 13th. Surgery was easy - really - a lumpectomy and one lymph node. I was a little sore, but really not bad. A little grumpy.
A note to all of you. Any time 3 doctors fit in appointments with less than 24 hours notice it is not going to be good news. Put your game face on.
The bad news is the type of cancer - triple negative. Don't google it unless you really want to know. The good news is that the stage is 1-2, size just barely in the medium range, margins during surgery good, and sentinel lymph node clear. Back to the triple negative, is really a not good type of cancer to have. But because of the stage, etc. the numbers are ok if that is interesting to you. Somehow that doesn't matter much. With a couple of 13 year old girls, any risk is kind of too big. And if the cancer doesn't kill you the chemo might. Ridiculous.
So the last couple of weeks I have been going from one doctors appointment to another. We did squeeze in a 60 yr birthday party for Chris, a weekend at Suncadia, a week of vacation - including an annual camping trip to the San Juans - complete with hiking and swimming. I have been completely FINE.
I don't feel normal, but that is definitely a cognitive problem. My brain is trying to reconcile the information given. There is cancer, or maybe not. There isn't evidence that the cancer spread, but it is impossible to be sure. But because it is impossible to be sure chemotherapy is necessary. There are risks with chemotherapy, but they are worth it. I am still trying to convince myself that is true. BECAUSE I FEEL FINE. Maybe a little stressed out and crazy, but that isn't unusual.
The chemotherapy will be in two stages, starting with AC every two weeks for 4 cycles. Then taxol for 12 weeks and a break and radiation. Today was day one of chemotherapy, not too bad, hoping tomorrow is about the same.
Along with the medical nonsense has come lots of well wishes and support. I really owe Chris and Yvonne. Chris has been helping so much with keeping friends and family informed and passing on well wishes. I do sometimes respond to an email or phone call but it is pretty random. That doesn't mean I don't read them! Yvonne has been helping organize the support piece which is amazingly orderly. There is a refrigerator on our patio and today dinner magically appeared!
That has helped keep Claire and Olivia sane. Food doesn't magically appear often. And the grocery bag of ice cream bars (you know who you are), sleepovers, trips to the lake, Starbucks treats (I know, Starbucks marketing is evil genius), time with cousins, has helped in a huge way. They are old enough to know they shouldn't complain, but their 13 year brains struggle to keep the disappointment in how the summer has turned out from interfering with empathy. And I want to tell them I am angry and disappointed too, but can't do it without melting down. So later we will talk more.
One last thing or I will bleed into day 35. A social worker has called a couple of times, and I have been asked about help at the hospital several times, filled out forms, etc. but I don't think the oncologist really believed I was ok until today. Yvonne and Chris both came to the hospital (Yvonne on Monday too), we have a refrigerator full of food, Olivia and Claire spent the day with aunts and cousins. I walked with Chris to pick up the car, we both took a nap, and we watched an episode of Nurse Jackie (she does need help). Really, as a family, it was a pretty good day.
Except for that chemotherapy thing. AND I STILL FEEL FINE. My poor brain is having a really hard time remembering that I have cancer. Maybe tomorrow.
I guess day 1 of having cancer was the day I received the results of the biopsy, July 10th. In the parking lot at Juanita High School. At that point even I knew it was not good. In the next 2 days we canceled our family vacation with friends (a first world problem), met with 3 doctors, and scheduled surgery for the 13th. Surgery was easy - really - a lumpectomy and one lymph node. I was a little sore, but really not bad. A little grumpy.
A note to all of you. Any time 3 doctors fit in appointments with less than 24 hours notice it is not going to be good news. Put your game face on.
The bad news is the type of cancer - triple negative. Don't google it unless you really want to know. The good news is that the stage is 1-2, size just barely in the medium range, margins during surgery good, and sentinel lymph node clear. Back to the triple negative, is really a not good type of cancer to have. But because of the stage, etc. the numbers are ok if that is interesting to you. Somehow that doesn't matter much. With a couple of 13 year old girls, any risk is kind of too big. And if the cancer doesn't kill you the chemo might. Ridiculous.
So the last couple of weeks I have been going from one doctors appointment to another. We did squeeze in a 60 yr birthday party for Chris, a weekend at Suncadia, a week of vacation - including an annual camping trip to the San Juans - complete with hiking and swimming. I have been completely FINE.
I don't feel normal, but that is definitely a cognitive problem. My brain is trying to reconcile the information given. There is cancer, or maybe not. There isn't evidence that the cancer spread, but it is impossible to be sure. But because it is impossible to be sure chemotherapy is necessary. There are risks with chemotherapy, but they are worth it. I am still trying to convince myself that is true. BECAUSE I FEEL FINE. Maybe a little stressed out and crazy, but that isn't unusual.
The chemotherapy will be in two stages, starting with AC every two weeks for 4 cycles. Then taxol for 12 weeks and a break and radiation. Today was day one of chemotherapy, not too bad, hoping tomorrow is about the same.
Along with the medical nonsense has come lots of well wishes and support. I really owe Chris and Yvonne. Chris has been helping so much with keeping friends and family informed and passing on well wishes. I do sometimes respond to an email or phone call but it is pretty random. That doesn't mean I don't read them! Yvonne has been helping organize the support piece which is amazingly orderly. There is a refrigerator on our patio and today dinner magically appeared!
That has helped keep Claire and Olivia sane. Food doesn't magically appear often. And the grocery bag of ice cream bars (you know who you are), sleepovers, trips to the lake, Starbucks treats (I know, Starbucks marketing is evil genius), time with cousins, has helped in a huge way. They are old enough to know they shouldn't complain, but their 13 year brains struggle to keep the disappointment in how the summer has turned out from interfering with empathy. And I want to tell them I am angry and disappointed too, but can't do it without melting down. So later we will talk more.
One last thing or I will bleed into day 35. A social worker has called a couple of times, and I have been asked about help at the hospital several times, filled out forms, etc. but I don't think the oncologist really believed I was ok until today. Yvonne and Chris both came to the hospital (Yvonne on Monday too), we have a refrigerator full of food, Olivia and Claire spent the day with aunts and cousins. I walked with Chris to pick up the car, we both took a nap, and we watched an episode of Nurse Jackie (she does need help). Really, as a family, it was a pretty good day.
Except for that chemotherapy thing. AND I STILL FEEL FINE. My poor brain is having a really hard time remembering that I have cancer. Maybe tomorrow.
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